I have so many things I wish I could say.  I'm so scared that everything will be used against me.  I guess I isolated myself and now I sit here alone.  My own personal hell.  I am dying inside.  I pushed away everyone that I love and now they don't want me, not one of them.  I deserve everything that is happening.  I am not a good person.  I hate myself.  There is only one way off this deserted island.  I'm sorry I let you down my sweet babies.  You are everything to me!

Withdrawn

I am ghostly

Blind to your sight

You no longer see me

As long as your right

Purpose to look away

Gone from your thoughts

Pretend I'm not there

Not doing what I ought

The hole made more vast

Ready to abdicate

No longer relevant

Is my unknown state

The eyes upon me

The hateful glare

The pain that is caused

 Can not compare

The things that you think

Rip apart my soul

Seeing nothing that's there

Is beyond my control

Turn to walk away

Knowing you won't look back

I wish I could make you understand

Why my thoughts have gone black

Desolate

Streaming, Streaming

Stop these tears from streaming

Screaming, Screaming

Stop my heart from screaming

Try anything to numb the pain

Another drink, another pill

It only lasts a moment

While my mind is still

I want to reach out, call out

But my words are mired

Unable to pass thru my lips

Stuck inside to conspire

Reaching out is impossible

My arms to listless

The thoughts

Too grievous 

How long will I be lost

Where will I arrive

Will I be alone

Just cast aside

I leave little glimpses

But I must go again

The drink is calling my name

Goodbye my friend 

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I wasn't a good enough daughter, sister, mother, wife, friend......  I'm sorry that I couldn't recover from this grief with out the cigarettes, alcohol, pills, whatever.  I'm sorry that I let you down and that I wasn't there.  I'm sorry that I broke my promise.  I hope you can forgive me for this someday.  I think I need to take a few days to evaluate my situation, just me and my kids.

I just can't do this anymore.

Where Do I Go From Here

So, I sit here thinking (like I do day after day) how did I get here?  How did I leave myself so unprepared for this grief of loosing my best friend?  Where do I go from here?  I don't want my kids to suffer because I can't focus on anything or because I'm constantly trying to busy myself so I don't overwhelm myself with these thoughts.  I'm in a bad place right now.  I'm depressed, as much as I want to deny it, I am and it's bad.  It didn't happen suddenly, she was fighting this ugly battle against cancer for two years.  I thought my faith and her faith were strong enough that she would get better.  That she would receive the healing we were promised.  I started out saying that my faith was not shaken but it was and is.  How do I teach my kids to hold strong to their faith when I can't?  I don't know where I am with my faith right now.  I am angry, more angry than I've ever been.  I'm not ready to let go of my anger and I don't want anyone to try to fix me right now.  I don't know when I will be ready, I don't know who I will be when it's all said and done.  I find myself turning to the things that I said I wouldn't.  I hear the words that people think they should say but it's at a distance, it's muffled because I'm too surrounded by my grief, my anger, my pain.  It's not getting better, it's getting worse.  I write these things down in hope of feeling some relief from the pressure of this pain and anger.  Only time will tell.  Time won't make it better, that is just a lie people tell you because they want you to BE better.  Time is only the measure of the distance, the period since you last heard their voice, saw their eyes, felt their embrace.  I miss it, I miss her.  I miss all the things we were suppose to do together that we have lost now.  I broke my promise, I said I would be okay and I'm not. 

The distance grows a little more each day
Pushing everyone further away
Building a wall that no one can climb
Living alone inside of my mind

Thoughts all jumbled in my head
The chaos of words that are left unsaid
Trying so hard to beat down the door
Begging, please, no more, no more

Emotions completely ripping me raw
So overwhelmed I can only withdraw
Anguish swallows everything that was me
Torment covers my every plea

I cannot stand my own sight
Turning it inward seems only right
I don't expect that anyone should stay
My prison continues as you walk away