From a few weeks ago....

I can't even begin to describe my pain, my heartbreak.  It will be a very long time before I am myself again.  Imagine having someone who has been there for EVERYTHING for the last 16yrs taken from you.  Having someone who you talked to almost EVERY day for 16yrs and knowing you won't hear her voice again until the day you are there too.  Not only my late teen years but my ENTIRE adult life, she was a part of me, of who I am.  I'm angry that people who weren't close to her are trying to act like they were now that she isn't here.  Really?  You miss her?  Was she so much a part of your life that there isn't a single important memory without her?  No?  Than please tell someone else.  I'm sorry if that is mean but right now a big part of me is gone.  This is more pain than you can BEGIN to imagine!  I am not saying that other people don't hurt or that they don't miss her because she was amazing like that and always made an impression.  My heart is broken, my KIDS hearts are broken!  I am having a hard time even being me with others because I don't want to get close anymore because I am so scared of feeling this pain again.  I don't think I could go thru this pain again.  How do I heal?  How do I stop myself from pushing people away?  I try not to but then something small that might not even matter makes me angry or hurts me and they don't even realize but I pull back.  Further and further into myself.  I'm happy to just stay home and not go anywhere or do anything, just sit here and think.  This hurt and anger and pain is going to rip my relationships apart because they don't understand.  They can say they do but they don't.  Then there are those people who I thought were my friend who didn't even bother to say anything to me, but they have no problem saying it to others.  Were you not my friend to?  Am I just taking too much from other people because of my pain?  That has made me even more hurt. I don't know of anyone (besides family) that had as much time, memories, closeness with her.  My kids have no memories of a time before she came into their lives because there is none.  I know this probably sounds mean or selfish or hurtful but if I don't say it then I will never be me again.  She is gone, she left me