Where Do I Go From Here

So, I sit here thinking (like I do day after day) how did I get here?  How did I leave myself so unprepared for this grief of loosing my best friend?  Where do I go from here?  I don't want my kids to suffer because I can't focus on anything or because I'm constantly trying to busy myself so I don't overwhelm myself with these thoughts.  I'm in a bad place right now.  I'm depressed, as much as I want to deny it, I am and it's bad.  It didn't happen suddenly, she was fighting this ugly battle against cancer for two years.  I thought my faith and her faith were strong enough that she would get better.  That she would receive the healing we were promised.  I started out saying that my faith was not shaken but it was and is.  How do I teach my kids to hold strong to their faith when I can't?  I don't know where I am with my faith right now.  I am angry, more angry than I've ever been.  I'm not ready to let go of my anger and I don't want anyone to try to fix me right now.  I don't know when I will be ready, I don't know who I will be when it's all said and done.  I find myself turning to the things that I said I wouldn't.  I hear the words that people think they should say but it's at a distance, it's muffled because I'm too surrounded by my grief, my anger, my pain.  It's not getting better, it's getting worse.  I write these things down in hope of feeling some relief from the pressure of this pain and anger.  Only time will tell.  Time won't make it better, that is just a lie people tell you because they want you to BE better.  Time is only the measure of the distance, the period since you last heard their voice, saw their eyes, felt their embrace.  I miss it, I miss her.  I miss all the things we were suppose to do together that we have lost now.  I broke my promise, I said I would be okay and I'm not. 

The distance grows a little more each day
Pushing everyone further away
Building a wall that no one can climb
Living alone inside of my mind

Thoughts all jumbled in my head
The chaos of words that are left unsaid
Trying so hard to beat down the door
Begging, please, no more, no more

Emotions completely ripping me raw
So overwhelmed I can only withdraw
Anguish swallows everything that was me
Torment covers my every plea

I cannot stand my own sight
Turning it inward seems only right
I don't expect that anyone should stay
My prison continues as you walk away

Dying

Anger that rises from deep within

Rage and frustration are your prison

Pacing

Racing

Nothing in the right place

Emotion pouring out in haste

Gripping

Slipping

Thoughts filling with uncertainty

Longing for some serenity

Breaking

Taking

Reverting to someone that I hate

Deep despair, inconsolable state

Distressing

Repressing

Pain that envelops everything inside

Confined within my own mind

Needing

Pleading

Swallowed up entirely by grief

Completely void of any relief

Crying

Dying