Where Do I Go From Here

So, I sit here thinking (like I do day after day) how did I get here?  How did I leave myself so unprepared for this grief of loosing my best friend?  Where do I go from here?  I don't want my kids to suffer because I can't focus on anything or because I'm constantly trying to busy myself so I don't overwhelm myself with these thoughts.  I'm in a bad place right now.  I'm depressed, as much as I want to deny it, I am and it's bad.  It didn't happen suddenly, she was fighting this ugly battle against cancer for two years.  I thought my faith and her faith were strong enough that she would get better.  That she would receive the healing we were promised.  I started out saying that my faith was not shaken but it was and is.  How do I teach my kids to hold strong to their faith when I can't?  I don't know where I am with my faith right now.  I am angry, more angry than I've ever been.  I'm not ready to let go of my anger and I don't want anyone to try to fix me right now.  I don't know when I will be ready, I don't know who I will be when it's all said and done.  I find myself turning to the things that I said I wouldn't.  I hear the words that people think they should say but it's at a distance, it's muffled because I'm too surrounded by my grief, my anger, my pain.  It's not getting better, it's getting worse.  I write these things down in hope of feeling some relief from the pressure of this pain and anger.  Only time will tell.  Time won't make it better, that is just a lie people tell you because they want you to BE better.  Time is only the measure of the distance, the period since you last heard their voice, saw their eyes, felt their embrace.  I miss it, I miss her.  I miss all the things we were suppose to do together that we have lost now.  I broke my promise, I said I would be okay and I'm not.