I have so many things I wish I could say.  I'm so scared that everything will be used against me.  I guess I isolated myself and now I sit here alone.  My own personal hell.  I am dying inside.  I pushed away everyone that I love and now they don't want me, not one of them.  I deserve everything that is happening.  I am not a good person.  I hate myself.  There is only one way off this deserted island.  I'm sorry I let you down my sweet babies.  You are everything to me!

Withdrawn

I am ghostly

Blind to your sight

You no longer see me

As long as your right

Purpose to look away

Gone from your thoughts

Pretend I'm not there

Not doing what I ought

The hole made more vast

Ready to abdicate

No longer relevant

Is my unknown state

The eyes upon me

The hateful glare

The pain that is caused

 Can not compare

The things that you think

Rip apart my soul

Seeing nothing that's there

Is beyond my control

Turn to walk away

Knowing you won't look back

I wish I could make you understand

Why my thoughts have gone black

Desolate

Streaming, Streaming

Stop these tears from streaming

Screaming, Screaming

Stop my heart from screaming

Try anything to numb the pain

Another drink, another pill

It only lasts a moment

While my mind is still

I want to reach out, call out

But my words are mired

Unable to pass thru my lips

Stuck inside to conspire

Reaching out is impossible

My arms to listless

The thoughts

Too grievous 

How long will I be lost

Where will I arrive

Will I be alone

Just cast aside

I leave little glimpses

But I must go again

The drink is calling my name

Goodbye my friend 

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I wasn't a good enough daughter, sister, mother, wife, friend......  I'm sorry that I couldn't recover from this grief with out the cigarettes, alcohol, pills, whatever.  I'm sorry that I let you down and that I wasn't there.  I'm sorry that I broke my promise.  I hope you can forgive me for this someday.  I think I need to take a few days to evaluate my situation, just me and my kids.

I just can't do this anymore.

Where Do I Go From Here

So, I sit here thinking (like I do day after day) how did I get here?  How did I leave myself so unprepared for this grief of loosing my best friend?  Where do I go from here?  I don't want my kids to suffer because I can't focus on anything or because I'm constantly trying to busy myself so I don't overwhelm myself with these thoughts.  I'm in a bad place right now.  I'm depressed, as much as I want to deny it, I am and it's bad.  It didn't happen suddenly, she was fighting this ugly battle against cancer for two years.  I thought my faith and her faith were strong enough that she would get better.  That she would receive the healing we were promised.  I started out saying that my faith was not shaken but it was and is.  How do I teach my kids to hold strong to their faith when I can't?  I don't know where I am with my faith right now.  I am angry, more angry than I've ever been.  I'm not ready to let go of my anger and I don't want anyone to try to fix me right now.  I don't know when I will be ready, I don't know who I will be when it's all said and done.  I find myself turning to the things that I said I wouldn't.  I hear the words that people think they should say but it's at a distance, it's muffled because I'm too surrounded by my grief, my anger, my pain.  It's not getting better, it's getting worse.  I write these things down in hope of feeling some relief from the pressure of this pain and anger.  Only time will tell.  Time won't make it better, that is just a lie people tell you because they want you to BE better.  Time is only the measure of the distance, the period since you last heard their voice, saw their eyes, felt their embrace.  I miss it, I miss her.  I miss all the things we were suppose to do together that we have lost now.  I broke my promise, I said I would be okay and I'm not. 

The distance grows a little more each day
Pushing everyone further away
Building a wall that no one can climb
Living alone inside of my mind

Thoughts all jumbled in my head
The chaos of words that are left unsaid
Trying so hard to beat down the door
Begging, please, no more, no more

Emotions completely ripping me raw
So overwhelmed I can only withdraw
Anguish swallows everything that was me
Torment covers my every plea

I cannot stand my own sight
Turning it inward seems only right
I don't expect that anyone should stay
My prison continues as you walk away

Dying

Anger that rises from deep within

Rage and frustration are your prison

Pacing

Racing

Nothing in the right place

Emotion pouring out in haste

Gripping

Slipping

Thoughts filling with uncertainty

Longing for some serenity

Breaking

Taking

Reverting to someone that I hate

Deep despair, inconsolable state

Distressing

Repressing

Pain that envelops everything inside

Confined within my own mind

Needing

Pleading

Swallowed up entirely by grief

Completely void of any relief

Crying

Dying

From a few weeks ago....

I can't even begin to describe my pain, my heartbreak.  It will be a very long time before I am myself again.  Imagine having someone who has been there for EVERYTHING for the last 16yrs taken from you.  Having someone who you talked to almost EVERY day for 16yrs and knowing you won't hear her voice again until the day you are there too.  Not only my late teen years but my ENTIRE adult life, she was a part of me, of who I am.  I'm angry that people who weren't close to her are trying to act like they were now that she isn't here.  Really?  You miss her?  Was she so much a part of your life that there isn't a single important memory without her?  No?  Than please tell someone else.  I'm sorry if that is mean but right now a big part of me is gone.  This is more pain than you can BEGIN to imagine!  I am not saying that other people don't hurt or that they don't miss her because she was amazing like that and always made an impression.  My heart is broken, my KIDS hearts are broken!  I am having a hard time even being me with others because I don't want to get close anymore because I am so scared of feeling this pain again.  I don't think I could go thru this pain again.  How do I heal?  How do I stop myself from pushing people away?  I try not to but then something small that might not even matter makes me angry or hurts me and they don't even realize but I pull back.  Further and further into myself.  I'm happy to just stay home and not go anywhere or do anything, just sit here and think.  This hurt and anger and pain is going to rip my relationships apart because they don't understand.  They can say they do but they don't.  Then there are those people who I thought were my friend who didn't even bother to say anything to me, but they have no problem saying it to others.  Were you not my friend to?  Am I just taking too much from other people because of my pain?  That has made me even more hurt. I don't know of anyone (besides family) that had as much time, memories, closeness with her.  My kids have no memories of a time before she came into their lives because there is none.  I know this probably sounds mean or selfish or hurtful but if I don't say it then I will never be me again.  She is gone, she left me

Again? Really?

We have this NASTY little stomach bug going around our house right now.  I have been cleaning up puke all week long!  Christiana had it last weekend but not as bad as the boys.  I thought we were ok on Tues, everyone made it to school and I took my kids out to dinner for Valentine's day (hubby is on the road) and we had a great time.  I did however notice that Gabriel was looking a little on the pale side when we were leaving the restaurant.  At around 11 pm Christiana came running downstairs yelling that Gabriel threw up all over her and my room!  I thought she was exaggerating a little until I walked upstairs!  OH. MY. GOD!  It was everywhere.  I cleaned the sheets, gave him a bath and laid down with him downstairs for the night (we didn't get any sleep).  It lasted till Thurs evening and he was great on Fri.  We had a good day Friday besides our weekend road trip being postponed until around 3am.  Gregory woke me up to tell me that Jeremiah threw up all over their room.  They have bunk beds and Jeremiah basically got as far as his head hanging over the side of the top bunk.  They are typical teenage boys who have a disaster area for a room so this was even worse!  I feel like my week has been...puke, wash, repeat!  So far I have not gotten it but I have a monstrous migraine!  This has been the focus of my week.  Not the fact that my van broke down and we have no vehicle, not the fact that I am trying to get thru some emotional stuff, not the fact that I'm suppose to be in TX right now enjoying time with my kids and other family, not the fact that I have barely spoken to my hubby because he's been working so hard, I just want to finish cleaning up all the puke and sterilize my place!  Next week WILL be better!  I am so thankful that I am lucky and blessed enough to be home with my babies and know that I am here when they need me (whatever that might entail)!   

A little time

Well, tomorrow is Valentine's Day but my hubby won't be here.  I know he would if he could but he's out on the road!  I'm happy that I will at least get to spend it with my kids.  I've been trying to make more one on one time for each of them but tomorrow will be a "group" date!  I might take them out to dinner (somewhere close since my van is broke down).  Hopefully, I will find a trustworthy place to take my van to also.  I really hope it won't cost me to much, but I need it to run until I can get something else! 

     So, last week, I took Jeremiah on our one on one date.  We went to a play (Beauty and the Beast) that Lincoln Christian School put on and then we went to dinner!  It was a fantastic night!  I love getting to spend time with him.  He is such an amazing young man.  He is so funny and always makes me laugh, he's that guy that's always trying to lighten the mood or just make everyone smile.  I got to see his face light up when he was watching the play, you see, he has recently discovered his love for theatrical arts.  He started taking drama classes at school and loved it.  It was such a fitting date.  I loved every minute of it.  I always enjoy my time with him and I wish we had more of it!  Every time I look at him, I see that sweet lovable baby boy with the big brown eyes and long eyelashes!  I remember cuddling with him all the time and now, he's to old for that but I still miss it!  I'm just glad I get time with him!  I love you Jeremiah and thank you for being you!