Blink of an Eye

My sweet baby boy, my firstborn son, the first one to truly change my life, turned 15 on Tuesday.  I can't believe how fast life goes.  I remember the day I had him like it was yesterday.  I remember looking into his eyes and feeling more love than I thought was ever possible!  In just a few short years he will be a man and I know he will be a great one.  He is already so intelligent and concerned with other peoples well-being.  He completely surprises me everyday!  I am thankful that God has blessed me with the privilege of being his mom! 

Contemplating

One of my best friends has been battling cancer for the last year and a half.  It has been one of those situations that you try not to think about too much.  I have tried not to show my worry, sadness or pain except to a few people.  With everything she was dealing with I didn't want to add to her stress.  It has taken a lot out of me, more than I've shown to anyone.  She has been one of my best friends for 16 years, the thought of losing her has been unimaginable!  She has been thru SO MUCH!  How do I keep being strong for her when I feel like I will fall apart?  I'm terrified of what she is about to go thru.  I try to just be there, just love her!  She is one of the most amazing people I have ever been blessed enough to know.  The strength that she has had, well, there aren't even words to describe it!  I am doing my best to not let my fears get the best of me.  I try to have even an ounce of the strength she has.  I thank the Lord for bringing her into my life, she has taught me so much!  I worry that I haven't done enough for her or been there enough.  Is there more I could be doing?  I pray for her continuously.  I never want to think about the what-ifs but I don't want to waste any time I may have with her either.  I don't ever want to make this about me...ever, but it's hard to see someone you love so much go thru something like this.  Am I saying the right words?  Am I giving enough support?  Did she see those tears fall?  Get my emotions in check and focus on her, I can deal with me some other time!  Does she know how much I think of her?  Have I told her enough?  Don't ever leave because I can't imagine my life without you!

Once was lost

 Oh, where to start?  I started this for me but then couldn't face the things I knew I should!  I am trying to change that.  Thank God for the true friends that make you face it.  The ones that don't tell you what you WANT to hear but what you NEED to hear!  I lost focus on my marriage, well focused on the negatives.  I closed my heart to him.  I sat around feeling sorry for myself and because of that I started to lose who I was.  My relationship with my husband suffered and so did my relationship with God.  I put myself in a bad position, put my heart in a bad position!  For that, I have no one to blame but me.  Now I am choosing to open my heart back up, to stop pushing him away.  I am trying to renew my relationship with God, my husband and myself.  It is hard sometimes and sometimes I feel alone.  It's not that I am alone, I have a great support system, but they don't always understand because they maybe haven't been there.  My marriage has had its ups and downs on both our parts, but I am not ready to throw in the towel.  I thank the Lord for renewing my heart and my love, for helping me to focus on the things that I need to, for making me a stronger, more loving and more importantly a Godly wife, mother and friend.  Admitting all of this to myself was hard, but it was the first step.  Ignoring things does not make it better or disappear!  I am hoping and praying that my husband will find a job close to home very soon so that we can focus on our healing.  We deserve our happy ending!  I just have to say that I am truly blessed to have my husband!

My birthday boy!

Well, today is my baby boy's birthday!  He is 3yrs old.  I can't believe how fast it's going.  It seems like just yesterday that I was in the hospital getting ready to have my cesarean.  I am so blessed to have him in my life, he brings me such joy!  He has such a great imagination, he came up to me this morning and I said "Happy birthday Gabriel" and he said "No momma, I'm spiderman and it's Spiderman's birthday"!  He cracks me up.  He will be starting preschool in the fall.  I remember when my oldest was this age and now he will be 15 in 2 months!  I know how fast it can go!  I want to cherish every moment!  Happy birthday baby boy! I love you more than words can say!

Something for me?

Well, I wanted to start this to have an outlet, something just for me.  I love my life but I don't always "like" it!  Maybe this will help process some of my thoughts.  It makes me kind of nervous, other people seeing inside my head!  So let's get started lol!  Well, I took my two oldest to camp on tuesday.  I miss them so much.  It's so funny because I can't wait till they get to go but the whole time they're gone I want them back home!  I keep wondering what they're doing and if they are wearing sunscreen!  It really hasn't been any quieter at my house either since my daughter had two friends stay the night last night!  They had fun though and I'm sure Sis enjoyed not having her big brothers around to bother her.  As soon as the older boys get home I will have to hurry to do the laundry and repack so we can head up north to visit family, then when we get back from that my daughter leaves for camp!  By the way, I am driving 900 miles...by myself...straight thru! Oh ya, and my almost 3yr old has now decided that HE needs privacy while he is using the bathroom!  HA, like I know what that is!